You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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