Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
