the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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