This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
