I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
