sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
