I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I currently don't understand fingers.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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