saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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