So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
