I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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