Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
