soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
