I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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