I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
