So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
