If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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