this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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