I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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