I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
