it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
