Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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