i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
