dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
