I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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