He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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