you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
