so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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