I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
