Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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