let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
