Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
