Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
