my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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