there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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