Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
