I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
