The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
