Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
