I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
No stitches, just platelets and will power
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
