i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
