dude i'm inner monologue high
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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