you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
