my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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