I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
