and you said cock pushups were impossible
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
