When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
