god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
