you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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