My hand turned me down
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I checked into jail on foursquare
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
