i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
please don't ironically join a cult
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