I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
