You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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